Not the time
by YumiOCS
Summary: "Lily kept her eyes closed, letting only her other senses work. She held herself in the warmth of her husband's body and the hot water, in the smell of shampoo and humidity, in the feeling of wet skin against wet skin, in a hopeless believing that she didn't had to say anything."


**A/N: First one in the Harry Potter World. Hope you like it!**

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Lily Potter massaged her skull with trembling fingers. Everything she had done that day seemed to be with trembling fingers. Or trembling arms, knees, body. She had already told herself a thousand times to stop it and get a hold of her nerves. But she seemed to be far too stubborn to listen to anyone, even herself. She let a sigh out and reached for the soap. A quick look at her hand told her that the extremely hot shower wasn't doing too much for her pale skin, she had already gotten all pink. Whatever. She didn't really care. The steam was condensing on the box's glass door, and she couldn't see her rumpled clothes anymore.

While massaging her shoulders and neck she started to remember. Well, isn't it really starting when you hadn't actually stopped thinking about it since the early morning. What the hell would she do? What the hell would _they_ do? Lily let her hands down to her stomach and held it there. She would be lying if she said she could tell the difference. But she would also be lying if she said she didn't _feel _different.

_A baby. _

When the healer had told her she was pregnant, she couldn't quite believe it. So, in a desperate/hopeful act, Lily went running to her old pediatrician. She knew she shouldn't be going there to ask him about pregnancy, he took care of kids around ten… But yet… She felt like looking for help in muggle medicine. Maybe it was all the motherly thing already going in her veins, but she wanted too badly to hear what a muggle, like her mother, one that old had trusted her daughters' health, would have to say about the matter.

The doctor was shocked when he saw her, it has been many years. But he was nice nonetheless. And so regardful… He had confirmed the healer's opinion. A baby. Too soon to know if it was a boy or a girl. Too soon. Too soon.

Too soon.

She couldn't stop thinking it. It was too soon, they were barely twenty, had just gotten married. And not to mention…

But she couldn't make herself think about it. She just _couldn't._

Lily stayed still for many more seconds that she cared counting. She had already finished her bath, but just didn't feel like turning the shower down. So she let the hot water run through her body, wishing it could wash all her worries away. Wishing James was there to make her laugh and call her neurotic. But she couldn't avoid the feeling that this time, he maybe would end up agreeing with her. This time there _was _a lot to worry about.

And she hadn't even told him yet. "Oh Merlin." She let out with another sigh. Not that she was worried about his reaction. She had quite an idea how he would react about the news. At least his momentary reaction. James was a very family person. And ever since half his family had died in the outrage against his parents, he could not stop complaining about how small the Potter family had become. Just the two of them. Well, the three now.

No, it was not his acceptance of the fact that worried her about telling him. It was what he would think after. She thought she couldn't bare him uttering her heaviest fears. That ones that she had shot to a dark place in her head and was trying to avoid all day. And she was sure James would have exactly the same fears, the same worries. And she knew they were there… But maybe not talking about it would make it less real.

A bump in the door startled her.

"Ouch Lily! Why the hell did you close the door!?" Her husband's voice came through the glass door; the steam, the wooden door of the bathroom.

Lily braced herself. She didn't quite know why did she close the door. She just… She guessed she felt safer with the door closed. She also didn't knew why she wanted for James to just leave it that way and go back where he was (was it Sirius who he was going to visit today? She couldn't remember a thing before the morning), and at the same time she was dying for a hug.

"_Alorromora!"_ She heard James' muffled voice trough all her worries.

"Bloody hell, are you trying to cook yourself in here? I could warm up a whole dragon's brood just with the steam!" James said as soon as he entered the bathroom. He was looking at her with what she supposed was an amused smile (she had to guess since there was_ really_ a lot of steam).

"Hello for you too." She replied in a suggestive tone.

"Ow, sorry hunny. Hello! How was your day?" He asked. She could still hear the smile in his voice.

That was something she loved about James. He was always in a good mood. Always ready for anything that came up. For a long time she confused his playful personality with irresponsibility, now she knew better. It was just he was disposed to see the bright side in everything, to face anything and try to make the best of it. And it was good he was that way. Specially right now.

"Quite exhausting, and yours?" Lily was a little surprised that her voice was sounding so normal. And, when reaching to clean her fiery hair from her face, she noticed she wasn't even trembling anymore. Not that she didn't feel a bunch of nerves anymore, it was just that… She didn't know.

"Amazingly. Padfoot decided to finally…"

But she wasn't hearing his words.

Lily let herself be carried away by the sounding of his voice. Feeling it fill her ears and heart. She knew all the time she wasn't alone in that. But having him there made it so clearer. She wanted him to not stop speaking for like… forever.

"… and then Remus got him back to the serious mode and we could finally finish it."

"Good."

"But I'm exhausted too. And what did you do? How was in the hospital?"

Lily avoided answering it immediately by grabbing her shampoo. She was half through splashing it in her head before she remembered she had already taken a shower. "It was okay."

She thought desperately what to talk next. She needed to change the subjected.

But James seemed happy with the answer and was already getting out of the bathroom. A sudden panic stormed in her chest.

"James!" She called out. He put his head back in the warm atmosphere.

"Yes, love?"

"Mind joining me?" She wasn't sure what she was doing, but now that he was there… She couldn't bare the thought of him being far again (even if that meant like ten foot away).

Lily could almost hear the grin growing in his face.

"No need to ask twice." And he took off his clothes and tossed them at her own rumbled ones with such fastness that she could almost laugh. And she did. Just a little.

James entered the box as she opened space for him. It wasn't a very large box, but they could still have some movement inside it. It was comfortable.

"Sweet Merlin that looks after all the marauders, this is fucking hot!" He screamed as soon as the water touched his skin. "Are you trying to die inside here? I'm sure a supernova could not be any hotter!"

"You are so exaggerated." She smiled at him, shaking her head a little. Seeing him so close was comforting.

"And you love that about me when I spend a whole day making you compliments."

Lily only smiled back at him. He was there. "Yeah, I love you."

It was his time to give a sweet smile and lean over to kiss her. Before it could get any hotter in there (if it was even possible), she lifted her hands and grabbed his, stopping the down line he was doing. He looked a little confused at her. Lily let her forehead rest against his chest.

"Not now… I don't want to do anything. I just want to be together, okay?"

"Sure, love." He smiled at her and gave her wet hair a kiss. She buried her face deeper in his embrace and he held her strongly. They stayed in silence for a while. Lily kept her eyes closed, letting only her other senses work. She held herself in the warmth of her husband's body and the hot water, in the smell of shampoo and humidity, in the feeling of wet skin against wet skin, in a hopeless believing that she didn't had to say anything.

"Did something happened Lils?" James asked just too soon.

"No, nothing." She answered against his skin. But something did happen, and if he asked if she was okay, she would have to tell she was not. Or blatantly lie. And she didn't want to lie. But she didn't want to talk either.

James started stroking her head, and massaging her back just a little. Even now or there he would give her lightly kisses in any piece of skin he could find. He had strong but gentle hands. He was so caring, so respectful, she couldn't believe she once had thought him selfish. But yet, they were too young back then… Actually they were still too young. Now James was mumbling a song under his breath, she realized it was very soothing, a distant melody, almost like a lullaby.

Suddenly all the quietness started to fret her. Something needed to be said. This peace was artificial. There was an enormous elephant in the bathroom with them, and she couldn't possibly be comfortable until it was out. Not that she thought that telling him would make things right. She knew it wouldn't. But she had to tell him, at least. She couldn't avoid it for much longer… But still… She didn't want to talk.

Lily separated themselves, reached for the soap and started to wash her body again. James followed the lead and started taking his bath. A few seconds trough it though, Lily let her arms fall and reached for his hold again. He understood quickly and opened his arms to receive his disturbed wife.

"What's the matter, hunny?" He asked against her hair, his voice full of worry, one hand tracing comforting circles in her back.

And suddenly, she could not hold it anymore.

"It's just that… It's this war… And.." Her voice was cracked, choked " And it's all so terrible…"

"I know, I know."

She tried to take a deep breath, to calm down before continuing, but once she had started it was all too difficult to stop.

"And people are dying around us! Our friends, our family… Last week was Marlene.. Oh, that poor girl! She was so sweet so… She didn't deserve it… None of them deserved it… and I just… I just! Oh…" And she erupted in sobs.

"Shhh love… Everything is going to be all right."

"Don't you tell me that!" She squealed, startling him. "Don't you tell me everything is going to be all right unless you're absolutely sure it is!" She cried harder and hid her face in his chest again.

James didn't say anything for a moment, just let her sob in his embrace. When she started to calm down, her cry more subdue, he said in a low and serious tone:

"I'm absolutely sure it will be all right. But that is not saying it's going to be easy getting there. That is not saying you and I are going to be there to see it."

Lily stayed quiet, trying to breath deeper. His words wasn't exactly comforting, they were too full of sadden true. But that was why it was so precious. They were not shallow words of soothing, they were real, what he really believed, besides all his fears. And she believed it too, beside all _her_ fears. So she was calm, serious and sincere when she said:

"I don't care if you and I are not there to see it, as long our child will be."

"And I'm sure they will. Our children will be able to see a peaceful world."

"Children?" She asked in a weak, but with a hint of playfulness, voice. "I'm barely through the first and you're already thinking about it as a plural?"

James took a few more seconds than necessary to process the information.

"Are you saying…?"

"Yes, I am."

A gigantic smile took over James' face. He gave her a crushing hug and a thousand loudly kisses, all over her face.

"Lil, that's great!" And the joy in his voice gave her an instant relief. It was okay, things were going to be okay. James was so happy about it, how could she have worried? Just his face made it seem the most right thing to happen. She hadn't seen him smile like that since his parents had died last summer. But suddenly all her fears got back to her shoulders. His parents had died, and they were strong, well-trained aurors. They were in the middle of a unmerciful war.

"No, it is not!" And she was crying again. "I don't want my child to be born into this world. I want him to be happy!"

"And he will be!"

"But how?! With all these things happening around us! With all this fear, this horror… It has been so long now… It should have already ended… How can he grow up a happy child in here…?" She said in a high pitch-desperately voice.

"Listen to me love." And James was very serious again. "You and I spend most of our lives into this war. And we are happy, aren't we? I'm not saying that we haven't suffered. But we find a way to live happy moments didn't we? Now, look at me," and he grab her chin, making her reddish eyes meet his gleaming ones, "our child will have his happy moments either this war ends up in a year or in twelve, you and I will make sure of this."

Lily stared at her husband, his voice was so full of strength, so… Reliable.

"It's just… I wanted him to be born in a peaceful place, where he could live without worries."

"No one will ever live without worries."

"You understood me. I don't want him to have to worry about his life, his friends and family… And you and I! We are risking our lives every day…"

"…To make a better future, to the next generation, to our child."

It was all so true for her to protest. At the same time she knew she would take care of herself, she knew she wouldn't stop fighting as long as she could do it. They were fighting for the greatest cause. They were fighting for the freedom of living, for a better world. The world where her child would live.

"Besides," James started talking again, "I think you and I are doing the very best thing to resist Voldemort."

"By giving him another potential victim?" She asked incredulous.

"No, by showing him, that despite everything he does, there is still love in the world."

Lily raised her eyes at him. James was smiling sweetly. Then, for the first time in the day, she allowed herself to feel happiness without feeling guilt about it at all. She allowed herself to be selfish and stop thinking about how much her child would have to endure and just delight herself in the shiny, warm feeling that she had tried to avoid all day. The motherhood. She guessed it was called that.

"I knew I married you for some reason." Lily said while resting her head against James chest once more. Her heart, if not lighter, much stronger


End file.
